SmartAsses.net Presents TNA Genesis Predictions
Johnny Video | On 12, Jan 2013
SmartAsses.net Senior Editor Johnny Video brings you his world famous TNA Genesis Predictions!
On the heels of some of the lowest rated episodes of TNA iMPACT in years, and a go-home show that seemed infinitely more concerned with tweaking your interest in the Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan love story instead of 25% of their 2013 Pay Per View Schedule… it’s pretty hard to be excited about something TNA itself is treating more like a bother, than must see television. Most pay per views hook fans by presenting them with a bevy of unanswered questions, that will hopefully lead to them rolling up some quarters and sending them off to their local cable provider in search of three hours worth of answers. To that end, I look up and down the card and cannot see even one story line that will have me anywhere near the edge of my seat… which ultimately leaves me asking one burning question- what happened to TNA, and when did it become so dull?
X Division Tournament Final
Christian York vs. Kenny King
Well, well, well. Who didn’t see this match coming from a mile away? Here we have the golden boy, Christian York, after two half-assed attempts at recreating the magic of Kurt Angle facing off against John Cena in John-John’s first ever match, versus Kenny King who turned into Mister cocky-pants in one eye-blink simply because it suited TNA’s pigeonhole a little better. Here is where a three-hour program would be so beneficial to TNA because, like, what the hell? When will they actually take the time to develop… all… of their characters like they’re doing for Joseph Park? Either they drag out a boring angle way too long (Park, Aces & Eights) or they go the complete other direction and just throw crap together at the last second, regardless of the ramifications. Despite which of those two paths they choose, the destination is the same: Welcome to Who-gives-a-shit-ville. With that said, I think the X-Division belt is planned for Kenny King in the future, but I don’t see him winning two matches in the same night to get it, especially when he’d have to be fighting fatigued against No-Job Rob to win the second one- and by losing, it gives TNA an actual chance to develop his character and make fans care about him more. So here’s your feel good moment to start off the show. Winner: Christian York
X Division Championship Rob Van Dam (c) vs. Tournament Final Winner
Honestly, if you want the truth, I probably should have mentioned it in the previous paragraph, but I honestly don’t even remember there even being any ‘tournament’. I remember a couple of un-hyped matches, that’s about it. Yet another example of where TNA drops the ball. Things like this really need to be treated like a much bigger deal. At any rate, York wins the tourney final but loses here after a long hard battle, giving the crowd ample opportunities to yell “Two!” as Christian lifts his shoulders up from the mat again and again and again. But in the end, York and all his dreadlocks will fall victim to the Rolling Thunder and the Five Star Frog Splash. Winner: Rob Van Dam
Knockouts #1 Contender’s Gauntlet Match Gail Kim vs. ODB vs. Miss Tessmacher vs. Mickie James vs. Velvet Sky
Obviously, since Gail Kim (I.E. Mount Olympus’ quintessential Goddess of Wrestling) never does anything wrong, ever, clearly she is my heart’s choice to win this match in what should be an all out slaughter lasting less than fifteen seconds. However, there’s a reason I’m not writing for TNA. With that said, the powers that be within TNA have done a pretty decent job lately (yes, I’ve lowered my expectations, since Pritchard has reduced the Knockouts Division to almost nothing) of making everyone believe that Miss Tessmacher, James, and Gail Kim matter. Personally, all biases aside, I’d love to see Kim or Tessmacher come out the winner here, and start that feud I keep predicting between Mickie James and Velvet Sky through some sort of mid-match mishap. But that’s how Vince Russo wrote things. Pritchard is much more linear. So unless Robbie E and Robbie T do something nasty to get Tessmacher the victory and create a nice little new faction, look for the obvious. Winner: Velvet Sky
Tag Team Title Match Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez (c) vs Joey Ryan & Matt Morgan
I’m just going to repeat what I said last month, verbatim, since absolutely nothing has occurred to develop this story line by even one paragraph since “December 9th: This is an easy one. It’s time to give The Blueprint some juice. Big Morgan and The Big Organ will win this by playing dirty, and we will have a nice long feud that allows Chavo & Hernandez to recapture the gold in San Antonio, Texas on March 10th, 2013, in front of a crowd filled with both TNA and AAA fans. Which will also be the start of Morgan’s push for the Heavyweight gold. Either way, please TNA, please. Please bring back Sarita & Rosita.” Winner: Morgan & Ryan
Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm
The mid card match that should matter, but doesn’t. I’m somewhat loathe to admit it, because I’m on record as saying he was pretty useless back in his pre-Fortune babyface days, but the truth of the matter is, Christopher Daniels is the best thing going on in TNA right now. Combine that with the fact that he’s facing James Storm, the man for whom 2012 was built around (and should have been done much better), and that sounds like a pretty good set up. Even more so, on yet another hand, Kazarian is also one of the best things happening in TNA today, Styles should probably be the one holding the belt – and you know they’re just a breath away from getting involved in this melee to boot… so why don’t I care about this match? What are Storm & Daniels even really fighting about? The fact that I am even asking these questions, is tantamount to just how ‘forgettable’ TNA has been lately. So I’m hoping, and therefore forced to conclude, that this is just the beginning and they’re building to something even bigger and better here- which means the bad guy has to win. Hopefully, the means to that end involves Kaz and Styles somehow. Winner: Daniels
Television Champion Devon vs. Joseph Park
It’s not for the title, and Joseph Park has to turn into Abyss in front of our eyes sometime soon, or it’s going to be us in need of being sent to the insane asylum. Maybe Soundgarden can come out and sing, Blackhole err… slam. Winner: Joseph Park slash Abyss
Sting vs. DOC
Well I would be remiss if I didn’t point out how horribly, horribly, horribly done, Sting’s Godzilla-esque, Earth shattering “one-three-one-three” wrestlepocalypse vengeance of the crow return was. Lord help me, the writing staff couldn’t even get him to say “one-three one-three” instead of “one-three-thirteen”. Twice. Sure, tuh-MAY-toe tuh-MAH-toe, but clearly one version sounds noteworthy and imposing, and the other does not. But yet, we were still force fed three weeks of cool CGI graphics of impending storm clouds, face paint, long leather dusters flapping in the wind and a black gloved hand holding a black baseball bat… to see nothing more than Sting slog down the thirty-degree-angled iMPACT Zone ramp in a gray t-shirt, without even so much as an arched eyebrow (let alone a look of actual requital) on his face, into the conveniently open door of a cage where Aces & Eights hooligans stood looking not-that-shocked. We wanted some hiding in the rafters time. We wanted some dropping down from the ceiling when no one expected it. We didn’t get Showtime!, we got your grandpa fertilizing his lawn. So again I ask, “Why am I supposed to care about this match?” All I know is, TNA is down to four pay per views per year, and even if the buildup was anemic at best, hopefully, they have plans to put on a great show. So expect baseball bats, ball-peen hammers, gang warfare… and maybe this is finally the week that Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff join Mr. Anderson, and hitch on with Aces & Eights. Winner: DOC
Elimination Match for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Austin Aries
Well, I was right when I said that TNA “management is very high on Aries, and they want him back in the title hunt soon.” and I’m certainly glad my favorite wrestler, Bobby Roode is still in the mix, but this Laurel & Costello shtick Roode & Austin have been pulling for the last month is low brow humor at best. But alas, Hardy’s new contract hasn’t been signed yet, and since he’s such a big money-maker for the company, I’m sure his violet colored Purple Reign belt isn’t going back in the trash any time soon. Winner: Jeff Hardy
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